Scar...we have scars! Scars is like a map...it tells us a story of our life....on what happened....on decision we once made.
I made lotsa risky decisions in my life and each decision made me who i am today. Some of it were ok, some were not. Some made me sad, some made me scared and some never failed to make me confused.
I have a big decision to make. And i think it will be a major one. It will change everything in my life and to be honest, i dont know i can handle it...alone! Well, i havent really make up my mind and i dont know why. I guess, Im afraid of making the wrong decision and later deal with it alone...again.
I had my birthday recently...my 31st Birthday. Thinking about age makes me cringe in a way that i dont want to be all by myself anymore. At this moment, i hope i have somebody who can say, "Yeah, just go. Thing will be ok!" or even a sinple "Dont go please!". It'll make a whole lotsa different in my life. Why?
Well, all my life i have to make all decision. Some times, i just wish differently because i'm exhausted. When a decision has to be made, we have to be critical over so many things especially on the consequences of all the things that will happen. Thinking about it alone is a major exhaustion and at times i wish someone take that away from me. Imagine, someone to think of all the possible reasons why a decision should be made. Lovely! And i can compromise on whatever the best decision ever.
Well, thinking about this whole deal gives me headache now...
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The One with....Mixed Feelings
Blog seems to be my bestest of friends nowadays i guess. The very place where i can talk about so many things. The deepest thought of this complicated lady has been honestly channeled here and i consider this blog as that board i have in the classroom where the teacher can actually right everything from fact to examples.
I woke up with this mixed feelings. It is difficult to explain but i know its kinna hurtful. Like life is being ripped out of my body. Like suddenly this big block of concrete forcefully crushed my body. Why? I dont know. I just felt so empty and lonely. Im scared of being hurt again and again. And i can feel its coming straight to my face this time.
After almost 2 years, ive got to feel that feeling again. I mean, all this while i thought i'll never ever come across that. It was beautiful and glorious. I felt so blessed at that time, thinking, "Yeah...this is how it used to be. And this feels so right...so damn right!" It is like putting pieces of puzzle together and it fits. Damn it fits. I dont want it to end. But i know it will because i can feel it. Im devastated because honestly...I dont want it to end but i cant let it stays. Dear Allah....if you can hear me, i just want you to know it is perfect, but i know you jested me once again. Save me from all these pains please because I cant take it. But i thank you for giving me that time. It was precious. I was happy and I was truly blessed...Thank You.
I woke up with this mixed feelings. It is difficult to explain but i know its kinna hurtful. Like life is being ripped out of my body. Like suddenly this big block of concrete forcefully crushed my body. Why? I dont know. I just felt so empty and lonely. Im scared of being hurt again and again. And i can feel its coming straight to my face this time.
After almost 2 years, ive got to feel that feeling again. I mean, all this while i thought i'll never ever come across that. It was beautiful and glorious. I felt so blessed at that time, thinking, "Yeah...this is how it used to be. And this feels so right...so damn right!" It is like putting pieces of puzzle together and it fits. Damn it fits. I dont want it to end. But i know it will because i can feel it. Im devastated because honestly...I dont want it to end but i cant let it stays. Dear Allah....if you can hear me, i just want you to know it is perfect, but i know you jested me once again. Save me from all these pains please because I cant take it. But i thank you for giving me that time. It was precious. I was happy and I was truly blessed...Thank You.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The One with....Gym
"What were you thinking? Spending your money for those machines? You can be as healthy as a cow without going to the gym....go jogging....walking....cleaning up the entire pig sty if you have to! Gym? Owh...Come on"
You know what...i wish i can start screaming at these people's face and said, "Forgodsake....I go for the sake of meeting HOT trainer...duhhh!"..Although, it was not entirely true. There are some other logical reasons for it. And buckle your seat belt people because all of you will have to listen to me rambling about these reasons in a second...
(1) Motivation-Life is kinna tough lately and somehow i thought i lost my direction. So, i told myself to focus on something i can see and hold, in a matter of months. So, gym came to me in an instant. How? Well, you see...i often go for things with numbers, whether in dollars sign or kgs. So, one morning, i woke up and decided to take my 'smart pill' and after a few shortttt session with my trusted calculator, i said, "What the heck!!..Go for it" I need to see some changes in me so i can build the confidence in doing something else. I just need to see it...to believe that i can do other stuffs as well. It is a booster...a confidence booster. I just need it. Imagine seeing the numbers going down and down...damn....
(2) Goal setting-When i got back from Ipoh, i decided to work from home. I believed that this was a chance for me to monitor my life, of everything, every single thing including what i put into my mouth. I cooked my own meals and amazingly, i set a daily time table of what i should do which i last remembered doing years ago when i was 8 years. I laughed at it..honestly, i did, because i thought it was so corky and silently believe that i will never abide to that piece of paper with squares on it. And, i didnt! But, i swear to myself on my babies' name (..and their father's name) that i will follow that...starting today! Anyway, during that time before i actually going to the gym, i realized how good it is to see and understand what happen to my body. The first day of the gym proved to me how important to de-stress myself and what a good diet regime can do...i was weighed and to my surprise, i already lost 6kgs within that 5 weeks time. Holy Cow!! There i was...couldnt believe my farsighted eyes. The last time i weighed myself was exactly 7 weeks before that home thingy. I was instantly a changed person....getting my goal set..to lose 1kg every week and that'll be 4kgs a month. Phew....
(3) De-stress-Physical exercise is known to help people de-stress themselves and for a period of time retain focus on everything they do. I know i need this because i just couldnt focus on eveything lately. I get really emotional over things and my self-confidence plunge deeper than i can ever imagine. The worse part is...i became skeptical on almost everything especially myself. I cried a lot, couldnt sleep and i felt really sluggish. My went ballooning without realizing it these few months. I have to put a big black dot to it. Now, i am beginning to to feel the impact it has on me. Skin getting clearer, wasnt as hungry as before and my brain starting to show sign of activities. Cool....
(4) Look good-OK..this is a bit corny but hell yes...gonna tell you guys anyway. But you can skip this part if you suddenly feel nauseous. Well, firstly, im a girl and doing what girl knows best is my goal. I want to look good. All these years, I often prayed that i stumble upon a magic lamp whenever i go to work, seeing myself rubbing it and pooff...the genie appears and says.."Your wish is my command, mistress!". I imagining myself telling the genie, "I want you to zap this...this...this...whatever on my body, damn...so that i'll fit myself on that short black dress. Do it now!" The pressure is there..yeah..*sigh*...especially when you are surrounded with people like Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron and whomever on E! Channel. Ok..ok..that was a bit over the top...let see, who's nearer and available...ermm...Nasha Aziz, anyone?
(5) Stamina-One of things in my '101 Things To Do Before I Die' list is scaling the Kinabalu end of this year. So, i guess..i need to build up that stamina. I cant imagine myself carrying all these extra baggage plus the oversized bag(s) over to the top. Good God....i'll be the last one to reach the peak...that is if i reach the peak on my on effort and not on some stretcher. Anyway, i need the stamina to do some other things as well *wink*...heyyyyy...perverts...hahahaha...i was saying something more like pushing my baby out from my body one day...duhhhhhhhhh.
There you go, 5 top excuses for me going to the gym. Digest it well people and accept it!...Ciao
You know what...i wish i can start screaming at these people's face and said, "Forgodsake....I go for the sake of meeting HOT trainer...duhhh!"..Although, it was not entirely true. There are some other logical reasons for it. And buckle your seat belt people because all of you will have to listen to me rambling about these reasons in a second...
(1) Motivation-Life is kinna tough lately and somehow i thought i lost my direction. So, i told myself to focus on something i can see and hold, in a matter of months. So, gym came to me in an instant. How? Well, you see...i often go for things with numbers, whether in dollars sign or kgs. So, one morning, i woke up and decided to take my 'smart pill' and after a few shortttt session with my trusted calculator, i said, "What the heck!!..Go for it" I need to see some changes in me so i can build the confidence in doing something else. I just need to see it...to believe that i can do other stuffs as well. It is a booster...a confidence booster. I just need it. Imagine seeing the numbers going down and down...damn....
(2) Goal setting-When i got back from Ipoh, i decided to work from home. I believed that this was a chance for me to monitor my life, of everything, every single thing including what i put into my mouth. I cooked my own meals and amazingly, i set a daily time table of what i should do which i last remembered doing years ago when i was 8 years. I laughed at it..honestly, i did, because i thought it was so corky and silently believe that i will never abide to that piece of paper with squares on it. And, i didnt! But, i swear to myself on my babies' name (..and their father's name) that i will follow that...starting today! Anyway, during that time before i actually going to the gym, i realized how good it is to see and understand what happen to my body. The first day of the gym proved to me how important to de-stress myself and what a good diet regime can do...i was weighed and to my surprise, i already lost 6kgs within that 5 weeks time. Holy Cow!! There i was...couldnt believe my farsighted eyes. The last time i weighed myself was exactly 7 weeks before that home thingy. I was instantly a changed person....getting my goal set..to lose 1kg every week and that'll be 4kgs a month. Phew....
(3) De-stress-Physical exercise is known to help people de-stress themselves and for a period of time retain focus on everything they do. I know i need this because i just couldnt focus on eveything lately. I get really emotional over things and my self-confidence plunge deeper than i can ever imagine. The worse part is...i became skeptical on almost everything especially myself. I cried a lot, couldnt sleep and i felt really sluggish. My went ballooning without realizing it these few months. I have to put a big black dot to it. Now, i am beginning to to feel the impact it has on me. Skin getting clearer, wasnt as hungry as before and my brain starting to show sign of activities. Cool....
(4) Look good-OK..this is a bit corny but hell yes...gonna tell you guys anyway. But you can skip this part if you suddenly feel nauseous. Well, firstly, im a girl and doing what girl knows best is my goal. I want to look good. All these years, I often prayed that i stumble upon a magic lamp whenever i go to work, seeing myself rubbing it and pooff...the genie appears and says.."Your wish is my command, mistress!". I imagining myself telling the genie, "I want you to zap this...this...this...whatever on my body, damn...so that i'll fit myself on that short black dress. Do it now!" The pressure is there..yeah..*sigh*...especially when you are surrounded with people like Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron and whomever on E! Channel. Ok..ok..that was a bit over the top...let see, who's nearer and available...ermm...Nasha Aziz, anyone?
(5) Stamina-One of things in my '101 Things To Do Before I Die' list is scaling the Kinabalu end of this year. So, i guess..i need to build up that stamina. I cant imagine myself carrying all these extra baggage plus the oversized bag(s) over to the top. Good God....i'll be the last one to reach the peak...that is if i reach the peak on my on effort and not on some stretcher. Anyway, i need the stamina to do some other things as well *wink*...heyyyyy...perverts...hahahaha...i was saying something more like pushing my baby out from my body one day...duhhhhhhhhh.
There you go, 5 top excuses for me going to the gym. Digest it well people and accept it!...Ciao
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The one with.......Mom's SMS
I love my mom dearly! How can i not love her for every single things she did for me. I miss her and sometimes, i just closed my eyes and imagine seeing her face. Her fair skin, her wrinkled eyes, her smile and the way her eyes shine everytime she laughed. But like normal mother-daughter relationship, we argue alot...over so many things. My dad used to tell me that we fight because we have so much in common. Maybe he was right!
I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday soon! And i treated myself a fishing trip with Paerot. I needed to unwind anyway.. Trying to find that inner peace and clear my mind of several things. I was hoping that after this trip, i can see things differently and starts to strategize my life. On my second day at the Kelong, i received an sms from mom. I was shocked and bewildered and i said to myself...nope...this is definitely not from mom!!
The sms, "Sweetie, recite surah Al-Yusuf for easy jodoh and perform solat hajat on your birthday!". You might ask me, what so weird about this sms...well....*sigh*....
Throughout my 30 years, mom never ask or talk about this...about we sibblings getting hitch. It is never a topic in our family. Most of my cousins married late, nobody in the family ever ask us the one million dolar question unlike other family. There is no family pressure when it comes to this issue. Now, back to mom's sms, this is the second time the issue rose...the first time was when we were driving to Sibu to do some shopping back 5 months ago. Mom asked my sister and i whether we have any boyfriend which traumatized both of us throughout the journey. This is not Mom! Even my sister put on that stupid face and none of us gave her the answer and the topic was forgoten easily.
When mom came last november, she asked me about Dino, i told her about the messy break up. The case was again closed. Until the sms that i received recently. she worried about me? Is she sad the was i was treated...with Arep and then Dino? I cried all the way from JB to KL thinking about her. Deep down i knew she was sad and i knew she cried too. When she called, she pretended she never sent me that sms but i knew her worries. What turned her this way? Im worried and love her even more.
Mom, if you happened to read this, i just want you to know that I love you so much. I know you dont want me to get hurt anymore. I know you want me to stop crying. I know you want me to be happy. I know you worried about me...about how i take care of myself. Please mommy, dont worry! I'll be happy one day. I'll find someone who is honest and sincere. Pray for me..and please mom...stop worrying. I'm a big baby, remember!....I wish i can hold you now. Gosh....Nakk nangis rasanya... I just want my mom to be happy!...
I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday soon! And i treated myself a fishing trip with Paerot. I needed to unwind anyway.. Trying to find that inner peace and clear my mind of several things. I was hoping that after this trip, i can see things differently and starts to strategize my life. On my second day at the Kelong, i received an sms from mom. I was shocked and bewildered and i said to myself...nope...this is definitely not from mom!!
The sms, "Sweetie, recite surah Al-Yusuf for easy jodoh and perform solat hajat on your birthday!". You might ask me, what so weird about this sms...well....*sigh*....
Throughout my 30 years, mom never ask or talk about this...about we sibblings getting hitch. It is never a topic in our family. Most of my cousins married late, nobody in the family ever ask us the one million dolar question unlike other family. There is no family pressure when it comes to this issue. Now, back to mom's sms, this is the second time the issue rose...the first time was when we were driving to Sibu to do some shopping back 5 months ago. Mom asked my sister and i whether we have any boyfriend which traumatized both of us throughout the journey. This is not Mom! Even my sister put on that stupid face and none of us gave her the answer and the topic was forgoten easily.
When mom came last november, she asked me about Dino, i told her about the messy break up. The case was again closed. Until the sms that i received recently. she worried about me? Is she sad the was i was treated...with Arep and then Dino? I cried all the way from JB to KL thinking about her. Deep down i knew she was sad and i knew she cried too. When she called, she pretended she never sent me that sms but i knew her worries. What turned her this way? Im worried and love her even more.
Mom, if you happened to read this, i just want you to know that I love you so much. I know you dont want me to get hurt anymore. I know you want me to stop crying. I know you want me to be happy. I know you worried about me...about how i take care of myself. Please mommy, dont worry! I'll be happy one day. I'll find someone who is honest and sincere. Pray for me..and please mom...stop worrying. I'm a big baby, remember!....I wish i can hold you now. Gosh....Nakk nangis rasanya... I just want my mom to be happy!...
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