The One with.......Jobs

Hi peep....i've been so tired...i was supposed to be ok here with or without jobs but why is job hunting be so tiring and time consuming in Sarawak? At times, i've come to a conclusion that job hunting is just sooo frustrating in Sarawak. You will have to be (1) the big guy's son or daughter or even sibblings to secure a good job, or (2) i have to be a of a specific group of people to be able to secure a good job. [sigh...]..

The One with....Regrets

I was all over my Facebook frens today and realized that some of them (which i've known from my previous work place) are married. Wow!. Browsing through their photos really make me see that there were steps taken in my life was a risky ones. I had a blast while working there...for about a year until the Devil herself whispered in my ears that i shud change my direction. So, I did...and i regret it even more now. I lost my frens and although some gets really close now. I know, there is a reason behind everything that happened in our life but yeah....i sure missed those people.

Talking about the Devil...gosh...how did i ever get so blinded by her ulterior motive...scheming little b***h. She convinced me that what i did is truly right when she gain everything from it. Damn..She definately twisted me around her little finger and i cudnt see that coming. What happened then was unmistakenly cheating the very core of eternal life.

The Devil was a lady who is so good at covering herself, literally...but i've never met someone who is so obsessed with witchcraft and spell and potion and charm. She talked as if she was the victim yet, she was the predator. And we awere the live bait... We turned our back from our frens (yeah...i have to admit that where there are good frens, there is definately bad boss)..but frenship...arghhh frenship is something else, people.

Scanning through there photos, i wanted so much to drop a few comment but i cudnt bring myself to say a few wordsnot even a congratulation upon their wedding. Seeing how happy they were, i just cudnt bring myself to spoilt whatever mood they are in. Sighh...

I just missed those times of silliness...

I never thought that i'll be around to write this but heck...it is always a pleasure to channel my unstoppable thought through this page. Anyway, i've just celebrated my my 32th birthday...and yeah..the number aint pretty but thats the fact. Also, i need to share my joy of having Arya into our life is such a blessing to everyone and i'll never be happier than i already am. Busy? Well...is there any post that i forget to say the damned word? I guess..i'll be busy as long as i live and hence the phrase "Rest In Peace" is rather approprite for a tombstone because that is the exact time to rest for someone as busy as i am.

As for my last post, i've mentioned a friend in a far far away land...and yeah...things a good now... There is always a small corner of hope that things will be better in the future but who am i to be such hopeful. Well...to tell everyone the truth...life is clearer now...i can see my direction although it is still blurry. I now know the reason to be back home and can almost taste what will happen next which i wish some good things.

The One with the.....Faraway Friend

Second post for the day. I know.....you might wonder why i took the trouble again to write another entree. It is something that has been eating me up lately and it has been weeks in fact. You see...since i've been home, i decided to shut my utterly hot phone number because i just want to be undisturbed by unknown callers and of course some other reasons. So, i've registered a new number which only family and very very special friends know. When i mentioned very special friends, it is not necessarily means male friends, ok! Or perhaps let me just say...closest friends. Among this closest friend is a guy friend whom i never even meet in real life. Our paths crossed in Facebook and since then, we've been texting each other....phone calls?...well, a couple of time...he is away right now...unreachable physically, and thats why we seldom talk.

So, what's with the faraway Friend of mine?. Well, it is hard to say...but i'm worried he took me wrongly. Do i care about him? Yes, i do...like i care about all my friends regardless male or female.

To him, if he read this,
Dont be scared of me because i meant no harm. I'm not asking anything that you cant give me, and friendship is good enough. I'm not asking for COMMITMENT...i just want someone to talk to. You might wonder why i like you to be my friend (or maybe you just dont want to know...but i'll take my chance), it is simple because we are far apart, you in Ireland and I'm here loyal to my Malaysia. It is easier talking to someone we never met and talk to someone who wont judge us the way other people do. It allows us to keep some secrets to ourselves rather than placing everything on our sleeves.

Why you, you might wonder....? But Why NOT YOU? I guess...guys is easier to talk to than gals. Gals tend to be emotional over thing but a GUY rationalize me...which i really need at the moment. I've been through lots of thing and my mind is as fragile as a glass. I guess..it is true that male is a stronger creation of God...and that is why i needed you to be y friend. Just dont take me the wrong way.

The One with the.......Age Factor

Do you still remember what you did when you're 26? Well, i was browsing through some acquaintance's Facebook and realized how much fun she had. And suddenly, like a block of ice, something hit me straight to the heart. I remembered how much different life was at my 26... I dont go out partying and i dont even go out on a date. I was.....some of you can say...innocence in intepreting life, but the truth is, i was until i met him. Thats' where i screwed up big time!!

Anyway, now, at 31 going 32, after several years of making more and more mistakes and unthoughtful decision, i realized i've changed in many ways...although my mum won't agree to that. Emotionally, i am more relax especially in facing life's obstacles, not because im getting wise through age as some might say, but i dont really have much choice but to ignore my anxiety and panic and face life like a cool girl. Physically, well....i wont talk much about this because we cant fight the fact that our physical anatomy will loose its strength somehow, although i still wonder how Marie Osmonds did her dancing even after 8 children and at the age of 48yrs. I guess...she has been through alot too and being a single mother doesnt deter her from doing things she enjoys. Probably, it is different here...with the culture and mentality differences, single mothers are expected to mourn their loneliness and singledom to their grave. Arghh....this is something i wished change in our life. Im not saying that single mothers should rebel and run pickets to determine their rights in the community but a slight positiveness towards life wont harm. It is good for the children too. But, either way, im frustrated.

Sexually, well.....a taboo subject still. But behind every good reasons any phychologist gave, there is some truth to it. As we grow old..sex is more sacred and more emotionally involved and as they said again, at this age, it is the best of the bestest time. Hmm.... what do you think? I have NO idea.. Anyway, lets talk about the physical side of life. Yeah...blame it on the hormon but again, it's nature way of pulling our legs...telling us w should never forget to take care of ourself. How difficult can that be? Hmm...'very' actually, especially if you have a demanding lifestyle with career stood tall in your life's priority. But all that can be changed, if we want it to utterly change to a way we wanted it to be.

Right now, i am the red circle in the middle of the dart board, waiting to be jabbed and scrutinized and i can feel the anxiety attacking me again. Why? Well, it is something i cant tell you here because it is too personal but i wish i can talk to someone about it. But i do have someone that i can trust with my life to tell all. I'm scared, and still am. Wondering what else will come. This week alone has proved to be such a nerve-wrecking week and i dont have a place to hide. All i can do is stood there and face the blow...blow by blow...i dont know whether i have to cry or if i can even cry at all. Im just too numb to say anything....or maybe this is how it should be years ago. I dont know...

The One with ..... Academics Decision...

Where does a story start? I've always wonder about this. But, whatever it is, it doesnt really matter to most of us. Ive been having difficulties sleeping lately, so i went to the doctor. Funny, tho! He asked me, " Did i hear anything or see anything (...like halucinating)...I was just so dembstrucked and answered, "I wish, doc. Otherwise i wont be so bored staring at the wall all by myself!.

Well, the truth is, i do know the cause of my sleeplessness. I'm just bored! 4 months here and im running out of things to do. I dont read, i dont do things....and i dont write as often. My brain cells are getting bored as well. I borrowed few novels from my cousins which i read in a day. And my mum was going crazy over the thought of her going over and over again to my cousin's house to borrow some books for me. I remembered when i first came here... I've tried every recipes in the book and i sew anything that can be used, now...i have ran out of things to do. And im totally, overly depressed over "nothing". ~sigh~

I need to find new focus to distract me of everything that's going on ion my life latelt. And here i am, i a CC full of kids and blastling music...(...hell...didnt these people ever go to the club and what...) some people...(me)...need that peace and quiet to get into the mood of creative writing...which seldom happen. So, what happened today is basically clicking and clacking over emails...and Facebook....and Tagged...and finding some information on some academic courses...that is Psychology.

Talking about Psychology, i always am fascinated by the subject and i have very good research sample at home and think....why cant i used what i have and excel in it. It is not that im married and busy. And this is the right moment to further my study.. So, i decided to register for a course in Psychology which will start next May. By then, i guess, i'm already employed and earn enough to feed everyone...pay for the car mortgage and...pay the bills. Urggghhh.....

I was checking on some Communication courses as well but there are too.....speedy for me.... and im tired of all those speediness. I guess Psychology hits me right...

The One with....Issues

We were watching an Indonesian film called "Ayat-ayat Cinta" during raya. A beautiful film indeed and i wud recomend everyone to watch and understand it. I silently cried at the back row of living room full of family and relatives (sucks!) but hey....it was a sad, meaningful movie to watch. I even remembered a few line, "...now i know the difference between LOVE and the desire to OWN..."...aaarghhh..plain tearsucker.. I guess, there is a truth in the line....especially in the case of relationship (which im terrible in..)

AAC is about sacrifices women willing to make but here, it is in the perspective of Islam. What do we understand when it comes to polygamy and relationship in Islam's p.o.v. It is also about the hukum of fitna and ones believe in Allah, of faith and destiny, of what religion is about. It is simple but it seems like we, human, failed to understand the underlying meaning of each line of commanment.

Another line reads, "...sedar dan ikhlas..." means aware and sincere in receiving Allah's test. Yeah....i am in the midst of understanding what He is given me now and slowly accepting it as my faith. I'll take care of His ehsan because unconsiously, this is what i want all this while. I guess i have to be very careful in things that i'll wish in the future.

Dear friends, this blog is not about my failure in relationships, or about how pathetics i am in making choices but it is my revelation on life. I hope from now on, this shall be read with more thoughts...thank you.