The One with ...the new job.

This is my second day of my new job. I'm still a lil bit nervous though and sometimes i have this sinking feeling that one day the truth will prevail. But i will continue pray to the Allmighty that all ends well. My desire to start a new life has to prolong just to see that light at the end of the turnel. Life here is ok so far...i will try not to say that it is OK OK because i's still new. However, lastnite during dinner i had my first taste of office politics.

Before i went to bed lastnite, i was thinking of what i can do to not entangled myself in this dangerous and fatal web. I guess...being a low-profile personale will eventually help but i rather be someone who is low profile and at the same time contribute as many as i can to my institution. So, i listed down so many things that im thinking of completing today, not to impress my boss but to have that satisfaction knowing i have all the know-hows of things. Do wish me luck...

The One with...the new job.

The One with.......Jobs

Hi peep....i've been so tired...i was supposed to be ok here with or without jobs but why is job hunting be so tiring and time consuming in Sarawak? At times, i've come to a conclusion that job hunting is just sooo frustrating in Sarawak. You will have to be (1) the big guy's son or daughter or even sibblings to secure a good job, or (2) i have to be a of a specific group of people to be able to secure a good job. [sigh...]..

The One with....Regrets

I was all over my Facebook frens today and realized that some of them (which i've known from my previous work place) are married. Wow!. Browsing through their photos really make me see that there were steps taken in my life was a risky ones. I had a blast while working there...for about a year until the Devil herself whispered in my ears that i shud change my direction. So, I did...and i regret it even more now. I lost my frens and although some gets really close now. I know, there is a reason behind everything that happened in our life but yeah....i sure missed those people.

Talking about the Devil...gosh...how did i ever get so blinded by her ulterior motive...scheming little b***h. She convinced me that what i did is truly right when she gain everything from it. Damn..She definately twisted me around her little finger and i cudnt see that coming. What happened then was unmistakenly cheating the very core of eternal life.

The Devil was a lady who is so good at covering herself, literally...but i've never met someone who is so obsessed with witchcraft and spell and potion and charm. She talked as if she was the victim yet, she was the predator. And we awere the live bait... We turned our back from our frens (yeah...i have to admit that where there are good frens, there is definately bad boss)..but frenship...arghhh frenship is something else, people.

Scanning through there photos, i wanted so much to drop a few comment but i cudnt bring myself to say a few wordsnot even a congratulation upon their wedding. Seeing how happy they were, i just cudnt bring myself to spoilt whatever mood they are in. Sighh...

I just missed those times of silliness...

I never thought that i'll be around to write this but heck...it is always a pleasure to channel my unstoppable thought through this page. Anyway, i've just celebrated my my 32th birthday...and yeah..the number aint pretty but thats the fact. Also, i need to share my joy of having Arya into our life is such a blessing to everyone and i'll never be happier than i already am. Busy? Well...is there any post that i forget to say the damned word? I guess..i'll be busy as long as i live and hence the phrase "Rest In Peace" is rather approprite for a tombstone because that is the exact time to rest for someone as busy as i am.

As for my last post, i've mentioned a friend in a far far away land...and yeah...things a good now... There is always a small corner of hope that things will be better in the future but who am i to be such hopeful. Well...to tell everyone the truth...life is clearer now...i can see my direction although it is still blurry. I now know the reason to be back home and can almost taste what will happen next which i wish some good things.

The One with the.....Faraway Friend

Second post for the day. I know.....you might wonder why i took the trouble again to write another entree. It is something that has been eating me up lately and it has been weeks in fact. You see...since i've been home, i decided to shut my utterly hot phone number because i just want to be undisturbed by unknown callers and of course some other reasons. So, i've registered a new number which only family and very very special friends know. When i mentioned very special friends, it is not necessarily means male friends, ok! Or perhaps let me just say...closest friends. Among this closest friend is a guy friend whom i never even meet in real life. Our paths crossed in Facebook and since then, we've been texting each other....phone calls?...well, a couple of time...he is away right now...unreachable physically, and thats why we seldom talk.

So, what's with the faraway Friend of mine?. Well, it is hard to say...but i'm worried he took me wrongly. Do i care about him? Yes, i do...like i care about all my friends regardless male or female.

To him, if he read this,
Dont be scared of me because i meant no harm. I'm not asking anything that you cant give me, and friendship is good enough. I'm not asking for COMMITMENT...i just want someone to talk to. You might wonder why i like you to be my friend (or maybe you just dont want to know...but i'll take my chance), it is simple because we are far apart, you in Ireland and I'm here loyal to my Malaysia. It is easier talking to someone we never met and talk to someone who wont judge us the way other people do. It allows us to keep some secrets to ourselves rather than placing everything on our sleeves.

Why you, you might wonder....? But Why NOT YOU? I guess...guys is easier to talk to than gals. Gals tend to be emotional over thing but a GUY rationalize me...which i really need at the moment. I've been through lots of thing and my mind is as fragile as a glass. I guess..it is true that male is a stronger creation of God...and that is why i needed you to be y friend. Just dont take me the wrong way.

The One with the.......Age Factor

Do you still remember what you did when you're 26? Well, i was browsing through some acquaintance's Facebook and realized how much fun she had. And suddenly, like a block of ice, something hit me straight to the heart. I remembered how much different life was at my 26... I dont go out partying and i dont even go out on a date. I was.....some of you can say...innocence in intepreting life, but the truth is, i was until i met him. Thats' where i screwed up big time!!

Anyway, now, at 31 going 32, after several years of making more and more mistakes and unthoughtful decision, i realized i've changed in many ways...although my mum won't agree to that. Emotionally, i am more relax especially in facing life's obstacles, not because im getting wise through age as some might say, but i dont really have much choice but to ignore my anxiety and panic and face life like a cool girl. Physically, well....i wont talk much about this because we cant fight the fact that our physical anatomy will loose its strength somehow, although i still wonder how Marie Osmonds did her dancing even after 8 children and at the age of 48yrs. I guess...she has been through alot too and being a single mother doesnt deter her from doing things she enjoys. Probably, it is different here...with the culture and mentality differences, single mothers are expected to mourn their loneliness and singledom to their grave. Arghh....this is something i wished change in our life. Im not saying that single mothers should rebel and run pickets to determine their rights in the community but a slight positiveness towards life wont harm. It is good for the children too. But, either way, im frustrated.

Sexually, well.....a taboo subject still. But behind every good reasons any phychologist gave, there is some truth to it. As we grow old..sex is more sacred and more emotionally involved and as they said again, at this age, it is the best of the bestest time. Hmm.... what do you think? I have NO idea.. Anyway, lets talk about the physical side of life. Yeah...blame it on the hormon but again, it's nature way of pulling our legs...telling us w should never forget to take care of ourself. How difficult can that be? Hmm...'very' actually, especially if you have a demanding lifestyle with career stood tall in your life's priority. But all that can be changed, if we want it to utterly change to a way we wanted it to be.

Right now, i am the red circle in the middle of the dart board, waiting to be jabbed and scrutinized and i can feel the anxiety attacking me again. Why? Well, it is something i cant tell you here because it is too personal but i wish i can talk to someone about it. But i do have someone that i can trust with my life to tell all. I'm scared, and still am. Wondering what else will come. This week alone has proved to be such a nerve-wrecking week and i dont have a place to hide. All i can do is stood there and face the blow...blow by blow...i dont know whether i have to cry or if i can even cry at all. Im just too numb to say anything....or maybe this is how it should be years ago. I dont know...

The One with ..... Academics Decision...

Where does a story start? I've always wonder about this. But, whatever it is, it doesnt really matter to most of us. Ive been having difficulties sleeping lately, so i went to the doctor. Funny, tho! He asked me, " Did i hear anything or see anything (...like halucinating)...I was just so dembstrucked and answered, "I wish, doc. Otherwise i wont be so bored staring at the wall all by myself!.

Well, the truth is, i do know the cause of my sleeplessness. I'm just bored! 4 months here and im running out of things to do. I dont read, i dont do things....and i dont write as often. My brain cells are getting bored as well. I borrowed few novels from my cousins which i read in a day. And my mum was going crazy over the thought of her going over and over again to my cousin's house to borrow some books for me. I remembered when i first came here... I've tried every recipes in the book and i sew anything that can be used, now...i have ran out of things to do. And im totally, overly depressed over "nothing". ~sigh~

I need to find new focus to distract me of everything that's going on ion my life latelt. And here i am, i a CC full of kids and blastling music...(...hell...didnt these people ever go to the club and what...) some people...(me)...need that peace and quiet to get into the mood of creative writing...which seldom happen. So, what happened today is basically clicking and clacking over emails...and Facebook....and Tagged...and finding some information on some academic courses...that is Psychology.

Talking about Psychology, i always am fascinated by the subject and i have very good research sample at home and think....why cant i used what i have and excel in it. It is not that im married and busy. And this is the right moment to further my study.. So, i decided to register for a course in Psychology which will start next May. By then, i guess, i'm already employed and earn enough to feed everyone...pay for the car mortgage and...pay the bills. Urggghhh.....

I was checking on some Communication courses as well but there are too.....speedy for me.... and im tired of all those speediness. I guess Psychology hits me right...

The One with....Issues

We were watching an Indonesian film called "Ayat-ayat Cinta" during raya. A beautiful film indeed and i wud recomend everyone to watch and understand it. I silently cried at the back row of living room full of family and relatives (sucks!) but hey....it was a sad, meaningful movie to watch. I even remembered a few line, "...now i know the difference between LOVE and the desire to OWN..."...aaarghhh..plain tearsucker.. I guess, there is a truth in the line....especially in the case of relationship (which im terrible in..)

AAC is about sacrifices women willing to make but here, it is in the perspective of Islam. What do we understand when it comes to polygamy and relationship in Islam's p.o.v. It is also about the hukum of fitna and ones believe in Allah, of faith and destiny, of what religion is about. It is simple but it seems like we, human, failed to understand the underlying meaning of each line of commanment.

Another line reads, "...sedar dan ikhlas..." means aware and sincere in receiving Allah's test. Yeah....i am in the midst of understanding what He is given me now and slowly accepting it as my faith. I'll take care of His ehsan because unconsiously, this is what i want all this while. I guess i have to be very careful in things that i'll wish in the future.

Dear friends, this blog is not about my failure in relationships, or about how pathetics i am in making choices but it is my revelation on life. I hope from now on, this shall be read with more thoughts...thank you.

The One with......Drifting Drifter

Months....i never really had time to check on my blog, not even write anything on it, but ive been thinking about what to write. Been thinking about it alot. Im away now, in my hometown where internet access is a luxury people cant afford, phone line is sucks and life is pretty much laidback
Ive never been away from Kl for this long and i can feel that ive been sucked in into this lifestyle, i woke up as early and watch tv...and cook....and the next thing i know, its noon already. After Oprah and series of Friends, i take my shower and ponder on what to do and at the same time wondering what happened to me mentally. Yesterday, i saw an ad over a mental stability association, maybe i ought to check out the place. One thing i do know, is that, im not doing healthily well. Painless condition that brought me vack to this place is kinna scary.
I asked myself quite a lot, do i miss KL, i have to say NOPE... strange but thats the truth! I dont miss KL at all yet i dont feel at home. Im floating...waiting to drift to a place where life is less thinkable and complicated..

The One with....Boredom

Have you ever come across a moment when you walked and do your stuff you always know want you wanted to say but once you exactly infront of the lappy, u cant think of anything nice to write. I guess that is what we call as brain freeze or could it be mental block? Sigh..this is exactly happened to me now. I've been staring at the screen for more than an hour now and still i cant seem to fine things to write.

The One with....Friendship

We grow up believing that friendship is a crucial part of life. As children, teenagers and then adults we hold to that notion pretty much tight. For me, having gone through so many phases of friendship in my 31 years of life, the knot that brought us together evolved slowly as much as needs allowed us. I remember the essence of friendship when i was just a kid and comparing it to that very much evolved definition when i was into my 'pimple-frizzy hair-chubby' teenhood.

When i was in the primary school, friendship is more to having someone to play hopscotch with and even someone to accompany me to the toilet or the teacher's office. But, i rather say that friendship at this age is so pure and innocence. I dont have much doubt or suspicion on my friends and i dont get that jealous to any of them.

As i get to the secondary school, things started to get pretty much well-defined. Friendship is 'the freak','the nerd', 'the glamorous', 'the beefy dude', 'the dont-u-even-think-of-it' and of course 'the teacher's pet'. Well, i didnt really which group im belong to because i was neither anything in the list, but friends came from all. However, it was really hard to stick to that i-dont-belong-anywhere thingy because as i went out with this group of friends the other would simply glared at you. All in all, i have to say that i dont really have best of friends when i was in school.

College years once again redefined friendship. Away from family, friends had become my closest of everything. Not all, but many did. And many still.

The One with.....Facebook

It has been awhile since i last composed here. I was kinna busy adapting to new life and my addiction to Facebook. Freaky actually because i've been hiding so well so far than being discovered by my fellow mates, then Facebook eventually entangled our paths once again.

I was having this confusion whether i should remain invinsible to these people and lead my life as it is or walk back the memory lane. Honestly, i'm scared of my past especially of the days when i was totally a different person. I've changed 360 degree and become someone else. Yeah, i wasn't this pathetic back then before i took the wrong turn of my life. I was cheery and chubby gal with the lovable attitude, forgetable face and just plain Jane who didn't really think that people can be so full of s***.

When these people saw me in Facebook, they didnt recognize me for some reasons. Maybe, they have this content life that seeing an old face is just an instant comparison of before and after, how many lines in the face ones got or even how many pounds he/she has added throughout the years. I guess i did the same thing too. I went through their album and counted the children they have, how their husband's look and where they go for vacation. In a way, i started to see how my life has turn about.

I've wasted so many years searching for things i didnt get at the end. Looking upon where i am now, im a homeless with a house and alone within a crowd. I'm scared of myself. What will you anybody do, if they are in my shoes? I realized one thing though, i need a big sincere hug and someone who is going to say that everything is gonna be ok because i'm really scared and i dont know what to do.

The One with.....His Name Hidden Somewhere

Harbour your love in my sea of hope
As dawn sees the blended colours of joy and
Rising sun greets our joyful reunion
Rendering the thoughts of future
Immaculating littlest details and
Smiling all the way....

The One with......Elizabeth

I watched "Elizabeth" today. Well, there is something about epic movie that made me so impressed. I guess it is the detailed those movie makers put into their film...

Elizabeth is a story of the Virgin Queen of England. Her struggles and her feeling towards Sir Walter Raleigh which she supressed inside for she believed that as Queen, she shouldnt be so bold. Then, there come Bess...Her Majesty's court gal who was smithened by Sir Raleigh. Bess is this pretty all-girlish girl guy chase over everywhere. She was indeed Elizabeth favourite.

Many things within Elizabeth resembled me...

The One with....Hardship

So....whats with hardship that i wish to share with all tonite? Wondering why single mum has high tolerance towards pressure? Yeah....it goes back to the hardship they went through in their life.

I saw people who has no tremendous idea whats hardship is. They never suffer and learn the real way to survive in this cruel and gnawing world. It is not an awkward issue because it is real. Their life is so full of supports that they never really kissed the ground not even once in their life. They are so illiterate in whats hunger is...or whats pain and heartbroken refers to. Pity, at the very end of life, where the crazy world of wisdom shouldve knocked twice at their door, they just got the very first taste on the ringing.

i'm still sore of all the work out and the walk out and picking up on things that messed my home is kinna tiring. But yup...i did it all bit by bit.....

The One with...Love-Changing Decision

I was reading this piece from Glamour while having my hair done, "The questions to ask yourself before blablabla....". Infact, it was a thought-provoking question as again, i have issues with my life path. Infact, i dont think i have a path at all when it comes to this.

Reading this write-up somehow, making me think or rather check every littlest intention available.

1) Am i myself when I'm with him?
Well, this is a toughest one because first impression drove people to be someone else. We pretend to be as perfect as we can, with no smudge mascara or bleeding lipline. Having this question lingers freely in the corner of my mind, i asked myself how can this be possible? You see, we want to be accepted everywhere. But being ourself is something that is not easy to do around someone you really fancy (unless he is your bestest of best friend who has seen u pick your nose or didnt complain when you farted in the elevator). I even pretend to be someone else everytime i meet new crowd especially in the kind of work i do. So much for a reputation, huh?! Well, i have to admit that we actually cant lure someone to like us by being someone we are not. Hence the term "a changed person"!

2) Do I love him or do I love the idea of him?
I..actually do not understand this question. What's the different anyway? Ok...let me deal with this question but unfolding various layers it hold. I think the first refers to the fact that loving someone as he is and the latest is more incline towards the idea of having a perfect someone just because he is the THAT someone you want all this while; perfect height, perfect weight and skin shade. Walking down the memory lane, i realized that i was more the the second person, setting my own standard of who should or shouldnot be that someone and look where it brought me? More heartbreaks and tears. So, the next thing i did was to change myself into the first person, trying to love that somebody and yeah...still no relationship. I guess the problem is with me....

3) Is he good enough for me?
Wow..this is a real tricky question. Honestly, i believe every guys is good enough for me in their own way. One thing that im proud of myself is my ability to learn to adapt to situation fast. I guess, being away from family for more than 15 years taught me this. A surviving skills. Not to depend on people so much. The question here should be; Am i good enough for these guys? Or maybe...just maybe...i was too vulnerable and was taken advantage of.

4) Do we have shared long-term goals and values?
Yeah...this is pretty important. This someone has goot to like what i like and vice versa. I love the idea of farming, so he better like it too. I hate mr. goody two shoes! He even better be transparent by letting me know everything about him so that i can prepare myself for whatever is coming. So that i dont get beserk and turn purple or green or whatever colors there are.

There is a lot of other questions but i'll tell you guys later.

The One with the.....Decision

Scar...we have scars! Scars is like a map...it tells us a story of our life....on what happened....on decision we once made.

I made lotsa risky decisions in my life and each decision made me who i am today. Some of it were ok, some were not. Some made me sad, some made me scared and some never failed to make me confused.

I have a big decision to make. And i think it will be a major one. It will change everything in my life and to be honest, i dont know i can handle it...alone! Well, i havent really make up my mind and i dont know why. I guess, Im afraid of making the wrong decision and later deal with it alone...again.

I had my birthday recently...my 31st Birthday. Thinking about age makes me cringe in a way that i dont want to be all by myself anymore. At this moment, i hope i have somebody who can say, "Yeah, just go. Thing will be ok!" or even a sinple "Dont go please!". It'll make a whole lotsa different in my life. Why?

Well, all my life i have to make all decision. Some times, i just wish differently because i'm exhausted. When a decision has to be made, we have to be critical over so many things especially on the consequences of all the things that will happen. Thinking about it alone is a major exhaustion and at times i wish someone take that away from me. Imagine, someone to think of all the possible reasons why a decision should be made. Lovely! And i can compromise on whatever the best decision ever.

Well, thinking about this whole deal gives me headache now...

The One with....Mixed Feelings

Blog seems to be my bestest of friends nowadays i guess. The very place where i can talk about so many things. The deepest thought of this complicated lady has been honestly channeled here and i consider this blog as that board i have in the classroom where the teacher can actually right everything from fact to examples.

I woke up with this mixed feelings. It is difficult to explain but i know its kinna hurtful. Like life is being ripped out of my body. Like suddenly this big block of concrete forcefully crushed my body. Why? I dont know. I just felt so empty and lonely. Im scared of being hurt again and again. And i can feel its coming straight to my face this time.

After almost 2 years, ive got to feel that feeling again. I mean, all this while i thought i'll never ever come across that. It was beautiful and glorious. I felt so blessed at that time, thinking, "Yeah...this is how it used to be. And this feels so right...so damn right!" It is like putting pieces of puzzle together and it fits. Damn it fits. I dont want it to end. But i know it will because i can feel it. Im devastated because honestly...I dont want it to end but i cant let it stays. Dear Allah....if you can hear me, i just want you to know it is perfect, but i know you jested me once again. Save me from all these pains please because I cant take it. But i thank you for giving me that time. It was precious. I was happy and I was truly blessed...Thank You.

The One with....Gym

"What were you thinking? Spending your money for those machines? You can be as healthy as a cow without going to the gym....go jogging....walking....cleaning up the entire pig sty if you have to! Gym? Owh...Come on"

You know what...i wish i can start screaming at these people's face and said, "Forgodsake....I go for the sake of meeting HOT trainer...duhhh!"..Although, it was not entirely true. There are some other logical reasons for it. And buckle your seat belt people because all of you will have to listen to me rambling about these reasons in a second...

(1) Motivation-Life is kinna tough lately and somehow i thought i lost my direction. So, i told myself to focus on something i can see and hold, in a matter of months. So, gym came to me in an instant. How? Well, you see...i often go for things with numbers, whether in dollars sign or kgs. So, one morning, i woke up and decided to take my 'smart pill' and after a few shortttt session with my trusted calculator, i said, "What the heck!!..Go for it" I need to see some changes in me so i can build the confidence in doing something else. I just need to see it...to believe that i can do other stuffs as well. It is a booster...a confidence booster. I just need it. Imagine seeing the numbers going down and down...damn....

(2) Goal setting-When i got back from Ipoh, i decided to work from home. I believed that this was a chance for me to monitor my life, of everything, every single thing including what i put into my mouth. I cooked my own meals and amazingly, i set a daily time table of what i should do which i last remembered doing years ago when i was 8 years. I laughed at it..honestly, i did, because i thought it was so corky and silently believe that i will never abide to that piece of paper with squares on it. And, i didnt! But, i swear to myself on my babies' name (..and their father's name) that i will follow that...starting today! Anyway, during that time before i actually going to the gym, i realized how good it is to see and understand what happen to my body. The first day of the gym proved to me how important to de-stress myself and what a good diet regime can do...i was weighed and to my surprise, i already lost 6kgs within that 5 weeks time. Holy Cow!! There i was...couldnt believe my farsighted eyes. The last time i weighed myself was exactly 7 weeks before that home thingy. I was instantly a changed person....getting my goal set..to lose 1kg every week and that'll be 4kgs a month. Phew....

(3) De-stress-Physical exercise is known to help people de-stress themselves and for a period of time retain focus on everything they do. I know i need this because i just couldnt focus on eveything lately. I get really emotional over things and my self-confidence plunge deeper than i can ever imagine. The worse part is...i became skeptical on almost everything especially myself. I cried a lot, couldnt sleep and i felt really sluggish. My went ballooning without realizing it these few months. I have to put a big black dot to it. Now, i am beginning to to feel the impact it has on me. Skin getting clearer, wasnt as hungry as before and my brain starting to show sign of activities. Cool....

(4) Look good-OK..this is a bit corny but hell yes...gonna tell you guys anyway. But you can skip this part if you suddenly feel nauseous. Well, firstly, im a girl and doing what girl knows best is my goal. I want to look good. All these years, I often prayed that i stumble upon a magic lamp whenever i go to work, seeing myself rubbing it and pooff...the genie appears and says.."Your wish is my command, mistress!". I imagining myself telling the genie, "I want you to zap this...this...this...whatever on my body, damn...so that i'll fit myself on that short black dress. Do it now!" The pressure is there..yeah..*sigh*...especially when you are surrounded with people like Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron and whomever on E! Channel. Ok..ok..that was a bit over the top...let see, who's nearer and available...ermm...Nasha Aziz, anyone?

(5) Stamina-One of things in my '101 Things To Do Before I Die' list is scaling the Kinabalu end of this year. So, i guess..i need to build up that stamina. I cant imagine myself carrying all these extra baggage plus the oversized bag(s) over to the top. Good God....i'll be the last one to reach the peak...that is if i reach the peak on my on effort and not on some stretcher. Anyway, i need the stamina to do some other things as well *wink*...heyyyyy...perverts...hahahaha...i was saying something more like pushing my baby out from my body one day...duhhhhhhhhh.

There you go, 5 top excuses for me going to the gym. Digest it well people and accept it!...Ciao