~DA THINKING DEE~

The One with ...the new job.

2009-06-16T08:17:00.002+08:00

This is my second day of my new job. I'm still a lil bit nervous though and sometimes i have this sinking feeling that one day the truth will prevail. But i will continue pray to the Allmighty that all ends well. My desire to start a new life has to prolong just to see that light at the end of the turnel. Life here is ok so far...i will try not to say that it is OK OK because i's still new. However, lastnite during dinner i had my first taste of office politics.

Before i went to bed lastnite, i was thinking of what i can do to not entangled myself in this dangerous and fatal web. I guess...being a low-profile personale will eventually help but i rather be someone who is low profile and at the same time contribute as many as i can to my institution. So, i listed down so many things that im thinking of completing today, not to impress my boss but to have that satisfaction knowing i have all the know-hows of things. Do wish me luck...

The One with...the new job.

2009-06-16T08:16:00.000+08:00

The One with.......Jobs

2009-04-23T16:51:00.002+08:00

Hi peep....i've been so tired...i was supposed to be ok here with or without jobs but why is job hunting be so tiring and time consuming in Sarawak? At times, i've come to a conclusion that job hunting is just sooo frustrating in Sarawak. You will have to be (1) the big guy's son or daughter or even sibblings to secure a good job, or (2) i have to be a of a specific group of people to be able to secure a good job. [sigh...]..

The One with....Regrets

2009-04-14T16:20:00.002+08:00

I was all over my Facebook frens today and realized that some of them (which i've known from my previous work place) are married. Wow!. Browsing through their photos really make me see that there were steps taken in my life was a risky ones. I had a blast while working there...for about a year until the Devil herself whispered in my ears that i shud change my direction. So, I did...and i regret it even more now. I lost my frens and although some gets really close now. I know, there is a reason behind everything that happened in our life but yeah....i sure missed those people.

Talking about the Devil...gosh...how did i ever get so blinded by her ulterior motive...scheming little b***h. She convinced me that what i did is truly right when she gain everything from it. Damn..She definately twisted me around her little finger and i cudnt see that coming. What happened then was unmistakenly cheating the very core of eternal life.

The Devil was a lady who is so good at covering herself, literally...but i've never met someone who is so obsessed with witchcraft and spell and potion and charm. She talked as if she was the victim yet, she was the predator. And we awere the live bait... We turned our back from our frens (yeah...i have to admit that where there are good frens, there is definately bad boss)..but frenship...arghhh frenship is something else, people.

Scanning through there photos, i wanted so much to drop a few comment but i cudnt bring myself to say a few wordsnot even a congratulation upon their wedding. Seeing how happy they were, i just cudnt bring myself to spoilt whatever mood they are in. Sighh...

I just missed those times of silliness...

2009-02-26T15:05:00.002+08:00

I never thought that i'll be around to write this but heck...it is always a pleasure to channel my unstoppable thought through this page. Anyway, i've just celebrated my my 32th birthday...and yeah..the number aint pretty but thats the fact. Also, i need to share my joy of having Arya into our life is such a blessing to everyone and i'll never be happier than i already am. Busy? Well...is there any post that i forget to say the damned word? I guess..i'll be busy as long as i live and hence the phrase "Rest In Peace" is rather approprite for a tombstone because that is the exact time to rest for someone as busy as i am.

As for my last post, i've mentioned a friend in a far far away land...and yeah...things a good now... There is always a small corner of hope that things will be better in the future but who am i to be such hopeful. Well...to tell everyone the truth...life is clearer now...i can see my direction although it is still blurry. I now know the reason to be back home and can almost taste what will happen next which i wish some good things.

The One with the.....Faraway Friend

2008-11-06T16:36:00.002+08:00

Second post for the day. I know.....you might wonder why i took the trouble again to write another entree. It is something that has been eating me up lately and it has been weeks in fact. You see...since i've been home, i decided to shut my utterly hot phone number because i just want to be undisturbed by unknown callers and of course some other reasons. So, i've registered a new number which only family and very very special friends know. When i mentioned very special friends, it is not necessarily means male friends, ok! Or perhaps let me just say...closest friends. Among this closest friend is a guy friend whom i never even meet in real life. Our paths crossed in Facebook and since then, we've been texting each other....phone calls?...well, a couple of time...he is away right now...unreachable physically, and thats why we seldom talk.

So, what's with the faraway Friend of mine?. Well, it is hard to say...but i'm worried he took me wrongly. Do i care about him? Yes, i do...like i care about all my friends regardless male or female.

To him, if he read this,
Dont be scared of me because i meant no harm. I'm not asking anything that you cant give me, and friendship is good enough. I'm not asking for COMMITMENT...i just want someone to talk to. You might wonder why i like you to be my friend (or maybe you just dont want to know...but i'll take my chance), it is simple because we are far apart, you in Ireland and I'm here loyal to my Malaysia. It is easier talking to someone we never met and talk to someone who wont judge us the way other people do. It allows us to keep some secrets to ourselves rather than placing everything on our sleeves.

Why you, you might wonder....? But Why NOT YOU? I guess...guys is easier to talk to than gals. Gals tend to be emotional over thing but a GUY rationalize me...which i really need at the moment. I've been through lots of thing and my mind is as fragile as a glass. I guess..it is true that male is a stronger creation of God...and that is why i needed you to be y friend. Just dont take me the wrong way.

The One with the.......Age Factor

2008-11-06T16:09:00.002+08:00

Do you still remember what you did when you're 26? Well, i was browsing through some acquaintance's Facebook and realized how much fun she had. And suddenly, like a block of ice, something hit me straight to the heart. I remembered how much different life was at my 26... I dont go out partying and i dont even go out on a date. I was.....some of you can say...innocence in intepreting life, but the truth is, i was until i met him. Thats' where i screwed up big time!!

Anyway, now, at 31 going 32, after several years of making more and more mistakes and unthoughtful decision, i realized i've changed in many ways...although my mum won't agree to that. Emotionally, i am more relax especially in facing life's obstacles, not because im getting wise through age as some might say, but i dont really have much choice but to ignore my anxiety and panic and face life like a cool girl. Physically, well....i wont talk much about this because we cant fight the fact that our physical anatomy will loose its strength somehow, although i still wonder how Marie Osmonds did her dancing even after 8 children and at the age of 48yrs. I guess...she has been through alot too and being a single mother doesnt deter her from doing things she enjoys. Probably, it is different here...with the culture and mentality differences, single mothers are expected to mourn their loneliness and singledom to their grave. Arghh....this is something i wished change in our life. Im not saying that single mothers should rebel and run pickets to determine their rights in the community but a slight positiveness towards life wont harm. It is good for the children too. But, either way, im frustrated.

Sexually, well.....a taboo subject still. But behind every good reasons any phychologist gave, there is some truth to it. As we grow old..sex is more sacred and more emotionally involved and as they said again, at this age, it is the best of the bestest time. Hmm.... what do you think? I have NO idea.. Anyway, lets talk about the physical side of life. Yeah...blame it on the hormon but again, it's nature way of pulling our legs...telling us w should never forget to take care of ourself. How difficult can that be? Hmm...'very' actually, especially if you have a demanding lifestyle with career stood tall in your life's priority. But all that can be changed, if we want it to utterly change to a way we wanted it to be.

Right now, i am the red circle in the middle of the dart board, waiting to be jabbed and scrutinized and i can feel the anxiety attacking me again. Why? Well, it is something i cant tell you here because it is too personal but i wish i can talk to someone about it. But i do have someone that i can trust with my life to tell all. I'm scared, and still am. Wondering what else will come. This week alone has proved to be such a nerve-wrecking week and i dont have a place to hide. All i can do is stood there and face the blow...blow by blow...i dont know whether i have to cry or if i can even cry at all. Im just too numb to say anything....or maybe this is how it should be years ago. I dont know...

The One with ..... Academics Decision...

2008-10-29T14:31:00.002+08:00

Where does a story start? I've always wonder about this. But, whatever it is, it doesnt really matter to most of us. Ive been having difficulties sleeping lately, so i went to the doctor. Funny, tho! He asked me, " Did i hear anything or see anything (...like halucinating)...I was just so dembstrucked and answered, "I wish, doc. Otherwise i wont be so bored staring at the wall all by myself!.

Well, the truth is, i do know the cause of my sleeplessness. I'm just bored! 4 months here and im running out of things to do. I dont read, i dont do things....and i dont write as often. My brain cells are getting bored as well. I borrowed few novels from my cousins which i read in a day. And my mum was going crazy over the thought of her going over and over again to my cousin's house to borrow some books for me. I remembered when i first came here... I've tried every recipes in the book and i sew anything that can be used, now...i have ran out of things to do. And im totally, overly depressed over "nothing". ~sigh~

I need to find new focus to distract me of everything that's going on ion my life latelt. And here i am, i a CC full of kids and blastling music...(...hell...didnt these people ever go to the club and what...) some people...(me)...need that peace and quiet to get into the mood of creative writing...which seldom happen. So, what happened today is basically clicking and clacking over emails...and Facebook....and Tagged...and finding some information on some academic courses...that is Psychology.

Talking about Psychology, i always am fascinated by the subject and i have very good research sample at home and think....why cant i used what i have and excel in it. It is not that im married and busy. And this is the right moment to further my study.. So, i decided to register for a course in Psychology which will start next May. By then, i guess, i'm already employed and earn enough to feed everyone...pay for the car mortgage and...pay the bills. Urggghhh.....

I was checking on some Communication courses as well but there are too.....speedy for me.... and im tired of all those speediness. I guess Psychology hits me right...

The One with....Issues

2008-10-13T12:46:00.002+08:00

We were watching an Indonesian film called "Ayat-ayat Cinta" during raya. A beautiful film indeed and i wud recomend everyone to watch and understand it. I silently cried at the back row of living room full of family and relatives (sucks!) but hey....it was a sad, meaningful movie to watch. I even remembered a few line, "...now i know the difference between LOVE and the desire to OWN..."...aaarghhh..plain tearsucker.. I guess, there is a truth in the line....especially in the case of relationship (which im terrible in..)

AAC is about sacrifices women willing to make but here, it is in the perspective of Islam. What do we understand when it comes to polygamy and relationship in Islam's p.o.v. It is also about the hukum of fitna and ones believe in Allah, of faith and destiny, of what religion is about. It is simple but it seems like we, human, failed to understand the underlying meaning of each line of commanment.

Another line reads, "...sedar dan ikhlas..." means aware and sincere in receiving Allah's test. Yeah....i am in the midst of understanding what He is given me now and slowly accepting it as my faith. I'll take care of His ehsan because unconsiously, this is what i want all this while. I guess i have to be very careful in things that i'll wish in the future.

Dear friends, this blog is not about my failure in relationships, or about how pathetics i am in making choices but it is my revelation on life. I hope from now on, this shall be read with more thoughts...thank you.

The One with......Drifting Drifter

2008-07-29T14:32:00.001+08:00

Months....i never really had time to check on my blog, not even write anything on it, but ive been thinking about what to write. Been thinking about it alot. Im away now, in my hometown where internet access is a luxury people cant afford, phone line is sucks and life is pretty much laidback
Ive never been away from Kl for this long and i can feel that ive been sucked in into this lifestyle, i woke up as early and watch tv...and cook....and the next thing i know, its noon already. After Oprah and series of Friends, i take my shower and ponder on what to do and at the same time wondering what happened to me mentally. Yesterday, i saw an ad over a mental stability association, maybe i ought to check out the place. One thing i do know, is that, im not doing healthily well. Painless condition that brought me vack to this place is kinna scary.
I asked myself quite a lot, do i miss KL, i have to say NOPE... strange but thats the truth! I dont miss KL at all yet i dont feel at home. Im floating...waiting to drift to a place where life is less thinkable and complicated..

The One with....Boredom

2008-05-03T12:06:00.002+08:00

Have you ever come across a moment when you walked and do your stuff you always know want you wanted to say but once you exactly infront of the lappy, u cant think of anything nice to write. I guess that is what we call as brain freeze or could it be mental block? Sigh..this is exactly happened to me now. I've been staring at the screen for more than an hour now and still i cant seem to fine things to write.

The One with....Friendship

2008-04-26T21:07:00.002+08:00

We grow up believing that friendship is a crucial part of life. As children, teenagers and then adults we hold to that notion pretty much tight. For me, having gone through so many phases of friendship in my 31 years of life, the knot that brought us together evolved slowly as much as needs allowed us. I remember the essence of friendship when i was just a kid and comparing it to that very much evolved definition when i was into my 'pimple-frizzy hair-chubby' teenhood.

When i was in the primary school, friendship is more to having someone to play hopscotch with and even someone to accompany me to the toilet or the teacher's office. But, i rather say that friendship at this age is so pure and innocence. I dont have much doubt or suspicion on my friends and i dont get that jealous to any of them.

As i get to the secondary school, things started to get pretty much well-defined. Friendship is 'the freak','the nerd', 'the glamorous', 'the beefy dude', 'the dont-u-even-think-of-it' and of course 'the teacher's pet'. Well, i didnt really which group im belong to because i was neither anything in the list, but friends came from all. However, it was really hard to stick to that i-dont-belong-anywhere thingy because as i went out with this group of friends the other would simply glared at you. All in all, i have to say that i dont really have best of friends when i was in school.

College years once again redefined friendship. Away from family, friends had become my closest of everything. Not all, but many did. And many still.

The One with.....Facebook

2008-04-25T23:56:00.002+08:00

It has been awhile since i last composed here. I was kinna busy adapting to new life and my addiction to Facebook. Freaky actually because i've been hiding so well so far than being discovered by my fellow mates, then Facebook eventually entangled our paths once again.

I was having this confusion whether i should remain invinsible to these people and lead my life as it is or walk back the memory lane. Honestly, i'm scared of my past especially of the days when i was totally a different person. I've changed 360 degree and become someone else. Yeah, i wasn't this pathetic back then before i took the wrong turn of my life. I was cheery and chubby gal with the lovable attitude, forgetable face and just plain Jane who didn't really think that people can be so full of s***.

When these people saw me in Facebook, they didnt recognize me for some reasons. Maybe, they have this content life that seeing an old face is just an instant comparison of before and after, how many lines in the face ones got or even how many pounds he/she has added throughout the years. I guess i did the same thing too. I went through their album and counted the children they have, how their husband's look and where they go for vacation. In a way, i started to see how my life has turn about.

I've wasted so many years searching for things i didnt get at the end. Looking upon where i am now, im a homeless with a house and alone within a crowd. I'm scared of myself. What will you anybody do, if they are in my shoes? I realized one thing though, i need a big sincere hug and someone who is going to say that everything is gonna be ok because i'm really scared and i dont know what to do.

The One with.....His Name Hidden Somewhere

2008-04-03T15:34:00.001+08:00

Harbour your love in my sea of hope
As dawn sees the blended colours of joy and
Rising sun greets our joyful reunion
Rendering the thoughts of future
Immaculating littlest details and
Smiling all the way....

The One with......Elizabeth

2008-03-17T00:46:00.002+08:00

I watched "Elizabeth" today. Well, there is something about epic movie that made me so impressed. I guess it is the detailed those movie makers put into their film...

Elizabeth is a story of the Virgin Queen of England. Her struggles and her feeling towards Sir Walter Raleigh which she supressed inside for she believed that as Queen, she shouldnt be so bold. Then, there come Bess...Her Majesty's court gal who was smithened by Sir Raleigh. Bess is this pretty all-girlish girl guy chase over everywhere. She was indeed Elizabeth favourite.

Many things within Elizabeth resembled me...

The One with....Hardship

2008-03-13T00:10:00.002+08:00

So....whats with hardship that i wish to share with all tonite? Wondering why single mum has high tolerance towards pressure? Yeah....it goes back to the hardship they went through in their life.

I saw people who has no tremendous idea whats hardship is. They never suffer and learn the real way to survive in this cruel and gnawing world. It is not an awkward issue because it is real. Their life is so full of supports that they never really kissed the ground not even once in their life. They are so illiterate in whats hunger is...or whats pain and heartbroken refers to. Pity, at the very end of life, where the crazy world of wisdom shouldve knocked twice at their door, they just got the very first taste on the ringing.

i'm still sore of all the work out and the walk out and picking up on things that messed my home is kinna tiring. But yup...i did it all bit by bit.....

The One with...Love-Changing Decision

2008-03-08T20:44:00.003+08:00

I was reading this piece from Glamour while having my hair done, "The questions to ask yourself before blablabla....". Infact, it was a thought-provoking question as again, i have issues with my life path. Infact, i dont think i have a path at all when it comes to this.

Reading this write-up somehow, making me think or rather check every littlest intention available.

1) Am i myself when I'm with him?
Well, this is a toughest one because first impression drove people to be someone else. We pretend to be as perfect as we can, with no smudge mascara or bleeding lipline. Having this question lingers freely in the corner of my mind, i asked myself how can this be possible? You see, we want to be accepted everywhere. But being ourself is something that is not easy to do around someone you really fancy (unless he is your bestest of best friend who has seen u pick your nose or didnt complain when you farted in the elevator). I even pretend to be someone else everytime i meet new crowd especially in the kind of work i do. So much for a reputation, huh?! Well, i have to admit that we actually cant lure someone to like us by being someone we are not. Hence the term "a changed person"!

2) Do I love him or do I love the idea of him?
I..actually do not understand this question. What's the different anyway? Ok...let me deal with this question but unfolding various layers it hold. I think the first refers to the fact that loving someone as he is and the latest is more incline towards the idea of having a perfect someone just because he is the THAT someone you want all this while; perfect height, perfect weight and skin shade. Walking down the memory lane, i realized that i was more the the second person, setting my own standard of who should or shouldnot be that someone and look where it brought me? More heartbreaks and tears. So, the next thing i did was to change myself into the first person, trying to love that somebody and yeah...still no relationship. I guess the problem is with me....

3) Is he good enough for me?
Wow..this is a real tricky question. Honestly, i believe every guys is good enough for me in their own way. One thing that im proud of myself is my ability to learn to adapt to situation fast. I guess, being away from family for more than 15 years taught me this. A surviving skills. Not to depend on people so much. The question here should be; Am i good enough for these guys? Or maybe...just maybe...i was too vulnerable and was taken advantage of.

4) Do we have shared long-term goals and values?
Yeah...this is pretty important. This someone has goot to like what i like and vice versa. I love the idea of farming, so he better like it too. I hate mr. goody two shoes! He even better be transparent by letting me know everything about him so that i can prepare myself for whatever is coming. So that i dont get beserk and turn purple or green or whatever colors there are.

There is a lot of other questions but i'll tell you guys later.

The One with the.....Decision

2008-02-27T23:46:00.002+08:00

Scar...we have scars! Scars is like a map...it tells us a story of our life....on what happened....on decision we once made.

I made lotsa risky decisions in my life and each decision made me who i am today. Some of it were ok, some were not. Some made me sad, some made me scared and some never failed to make me confused.

I have a big decision to make. And i think it will be a major one. It will change everything in my life and to be honest, i dont know i can handle it...alone! Well, i havent really make up my mind and i dont know why. I guess, Im afraid of making the wrong decision and later deal with it alone...again.

I had my birthday recently...my 31st Birthday. Thinking about age makes me cringe in a way that i dont want to be all by myself anymore. At this moment, i hope i have somebody who can say, "Yeah, just go. Thing will be ok!" or even a sinple "Dont go please!". It'll make a whole lotsa different in my life. Why?

Well, all my life i have to make all decision. Some times, i just wish differently because i'm exhausted. When a decision has to be made, we have to be critical over so many things especially on the consequences of all the things that will happen. Thinking about it alone is a major exhaustion and at times i wish someone take that away from me. Imagine, someone to think of all the possible reasons why a decision should be made. Lovely! And i can compromise on whatever the best decision ever.

Well, thinking about this whole deal gives me headache now...

The One with....Mixed Feelings

2008-02-17T04:09:00.002+08:00

Blog seems to be my bestest of friends nowadays i guess. The very place where i can talk about so many things. The deepest thought of this complicated lady has been honestly channeled here and i consider this blog as that board i have in the classroom where the teacher can actually right everything from fact to examples.

I woke up with this mixed feelings. It is difficult to explain but i know its kinna hurtful. Like life is being ripped out of my body. Like suddenly this big block of concrete forcefully crushed my body. Why? I dont know. I just felt so empty and lonely. Im scared of being hurt again and again. And i can feel its coming straight to my face this time.

After almost 2 years, ive got to feel that feeling again. I mean, all this while i thought i'll never ever come across that. It was beautiful and glorious. I felt so blessed at that time, thinking, "Yeah...this is how it used to be. And this feels so right...so damn right!" It is like putting pieces of puzzle together and it fits. Damn it fits. I dont want it to end. But i know it will because i can feel it. Im devastated because honestly...I dont want it to end but i cant let it stays. Dear Allah....if you can hear me, i just want you to know it is perfect, but i know you jested me once again. Save me from all these pains please because I cant take it. But i thank you for giving me that time. It was precious. I was happy and I was truly blessed...Thank You.

The One with....Gym

2008-02-16T14:15:00.004+08:00

"What were you thinking? Spending your money for those machines? You can be as healthy as a cow without going to the gym....go jogging....walking....cleaning up the entire pig sty if you have to! Gym? Owh...Come on"

You know what...i wish i can start screaming at these people's face and said, "Forgodsake....I go for the sake of meeting HOT trainer...duhhh!"..Although, it was not entirely true. There are some other logical reasons for it. And buckle your seat belt people because all of you will have to listen to me rambling about these reasons in a second...

(1) Motivation-Life is kinna tough lately and somehow i thought i lost my direction. So, i told myself to focus on something i can see and hold, in a matter of months. So, gym came to me in an instant. How? Well, you see...i often go for things with numbers, whether in dollars sign or kgs. So, one morning, i woke up and decided to take my 'smart pill' and after a few shortttt session with my trusted calculator, i said, "What the heck!!..Go for it" I need to see some changes in me so i can build the confidence in doing something else. I just need to see it...to believe that i can do other stuffs as well. It is a booster...a confidence booster. I just need it. Imagine seeing the numbers going down and down...damn....

(2) Goal setting-When i got back from Ipoh, i decided to work from home. I believed that this was a chance for me to monitor my life, of everything, every single thing including what i put into my mouth. I cooked my own meals and amazingly, i set a daily time table of what i should do which i last remembered doing years ago when i was 8 years. I laughed at it..honestly, i did, because i thought it was so corky and silently believe that i will never abide to that piece of paper with squares on it. And, i didnt! But, i swear to myself on my babies' name (..and their father's name) that i will follow that...starting today! Anyway, during that time before i actually going to the gym, i realized how good it is to see and understand what happen to my body. The first day of the gym proved to me how important to de-stress myself and what a good diet regime can do...i was weighed and to my surprise, i already lost 6kgs within that 5 weeks time. Holy Cow!! There i was...couldnt believe my farsighted eyes. The last time i weighed myself was exactly 7 weeks before that home thingy. I was instantly a changed person....getting my goal set..to lose 1kg every week and that'll be 4kgs a month. Phew....

(3) De-stress-Physical exercise is known to help people de-stress themselves and for a period of time retain focus on everything they do. I know i need this because i just couldnt focus on eveything lately. I get really emotional over things and my self-confidence plunge deeper than i can ever imagine. The worse part is...i became skeptical on almost everything especially myself. I cried a lot, couldnt sleep and i felt really sluggish. My went ballooning without realizing it these few months. I have to put a big black dot to it. Now, i am beginning to to feel the impact it has on me. Skin getting clearer, wasnt as hungry as before and my brain starting to show sign of activities. Cool....

(4) Look good-OK..this is a bit corny but hell yes...gonna tell you guys anyway. But you can skip this part if you suddenly feel nauseous. Well, firstly, im a girl and doing what girl knows best is my goal. I want to look good. All these years, I often prayed that i stumble upon a magic lamp whenever i go to work, seeing myself rubbing it and pooff...the genie appears and says.."Your wish is my command, mistress!". I imagining myself telling the genie, "I want you to zap this...this...this...whatever on my body, damn...so that i'll fit myself on that short black dress. Do it now!" The pressure is there..yeah..*sigh*...especially when you are surrounded with people like Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron and whomever on E! Channel. Ok..ok..that was a bit over the top...let see, who's nearer and available...ermm...Nasha Aziz, anyone?

(5) Stamina-One of things in my '101 Things To Do Before I Die' list is scaling the Kinabalu end of this year. So, i guess..i need to build up that stamina. I cant imagine myself carrying all these extra baggage plus the oversized bag(s) over to the top. Good God....i'll be the last one to reach the peak...that is if i reach the peak on my on effort and not on some stretcher. Anyway, i need the stamina to do some other things as well *wink*...heyyyyy...perverts...hahahaha...i was saying something more like pushing my baby out from my body one day...duhhhhhhhhh.

There you go, 5 top excuses for me going to the gym. Digest it well people and accept it!...Ciao

The one with.......Mom's SMS

2008-02-10T21:38:00.000+08:00

I love my mom dearly! How can i not love her for every single things she did for me. I miss her and sometimes, i just closed my eyes and imagine seeing her face. Her fair skin, her wrinkled eyes, her smile and the way her eyes shine everytime she laughed. But like normal mother-daughter relationship, we argue alot...over so many things. My dad used to tell me that we fight because we have so much in common. Maybe he was right!

I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday soon! And i treated myself a fishing trip with Paerot. I needed to unwind anyway.. Trying to find that inner peace and clear my mind of several things. I was hoping that after this trip, i can see things differently and starts to strategize my life. On my second day at the Kelong, i received an sms from mom. I was shocked and bewildered and i said to myself...nope...this is definitely not from mom!!

The sms, "Sweetie, recite surah Al-Yusuf for easy jodoh and perform solat hajat on your birthday!". You might ask me, what so weird about this sms...well....*sigh*....

Throughout my 30 years, mom never ask or talk about this...about we sibblings getting hitch. It is never a topic in our family. Most of my cousins married late, nobody in the family ever ask us the one million dolar question unlike other family. There is no family pressure when it comes to this issue. Now, back to mom's sms, this is the second time the issue rose...the first time was when we were driving to Sibu to do some shopping back 5 months ago. Mom asked my sister and i whether we have any boyfriend which traumatized both of us throughout the journey. This is not Mom! Even my sister put on that stupid face and none of us gave her the answer and the topic was forgoten easily.

When mom came last november, she asked me about Dino, i told her about the messy break up. The case was again closed. Until the sms that i received recently. she worried about me? Is she sad the was i was treated...with Arep and then Dino? I cried all the way from JB to KL thinking about her. Deep down i knew she was sad and i knew she cried too. When she called, she pretended she never sent me that sms but i knew her worries. What turned her this way? Im worried and love her even more.

Mom, if you happened to read this, i just want you to know that I love you so much. I know you dont want me to get hurt anymore. I know you want me to stop crying. I know you want me to be happy. I know you worried about me...about how i take care of myself. Please mommy, dont worry! I'll be happy one day. I'll find someone who is honest and sincere. Pray for me..and please mom...stop worrying. I'm a big baby, remember!....I wish i can hold you now. Gosh....Nakk nangis rasanya... I just want my mom to be happy!...

The One with.....Weddings

2008-01-28T17:31:00.000+08:00

I hate weddings! Let me tell you why...because it reminded me of things i'll never have or i choose not to have.

Today, i've got a phone call from my best friend Paerot. And she is getting married this June. Who ever thought that Paerot is tying the knot, of all people we often thought that she will be the last on earth to agree doing that. Not because Paerot didnt believe in the very idea of marriage, but she has been through a lot in her previous relationships which often made her cringed everytime. Well, i guess, Paerot and i used to have that "urghh" moment everytime serious relationships knocked on our door. We've been cheated and mistreated...not once but many times. At one point, we believed that there are NO right guys for us...and hence, we opted for singledom. I'm 31 yrs this year and she is 33 yrs and getting married....hahahaha

I remembered the day Paerot called me to announce her engagement. I couldnt believe my ears. Part of me wanted to cry of joy and part of me just wanted to laugh so hard because i thought that was the funniest joke i've ever heard last year. Honestly, i still cant believe that its gonna happen. Anyway, back to that very day of unstoppable shock, i still can hear myself asking her again and over again on the truth of the news. After an hour, i finally accepted the news that my best friend is enggaged to be married. I hysterically laughed.

Different kind of emotions existed that time: doubtful, sad, joy, happy, awe..you just name it.

Why doubt, some might questioned me. Well, when we were still single, we used to critically observed our friends' intention of getting married; whether they are making the right decision, whether they are ready for the 'suffering' and etc. We completed each others thought over these issues, like "....owh yeah, maybe you are right..." or "Do you think......?". Now, i have to do it for both of us...and the subject of discussion is her. Hahaha..Kidding babe. I trust you to have choosen the right path. Seriously, I'm elated.

I'm happy that Paerot finally find her prince charming who is going to treat her right, to care for her, to love her and her mum and most of all, to accept her for who she was. When she told me the wedding date today, i was kinna relieved because its gonna happen eventually although some issues arose before with the fiance.

So, today, we talked about the hantaran, the wedding dress and those every litle details a wedding is supposed to be. We discussed on feelings and hopes and wishes. And at that very moment, my mind starts to jump all over the places over what wedding gift should i buy. Then i remembered that white wedding dress tucked somewhere in my closet. I know, you guys would probably say..."What? She has a wedding dress ready?"...and "She's probably insane!" hahahaha... Well, i could resist buying it. I fell in love with it and thought, why not...i was in a serious relationship back then and he might pop the question anytime. But nothing happened. So, the dress is still there waiting. The dress will look good on Paerot, i know because she is going to be a happy bride wearing it.

The One with....My Big Mouth.

2008-01-27T00:01:00.000+08:00

It is the time of the month, and normally this is when i like to be indoor so that i wont hurt other people's feeling with my sarcasm. One thing that amazed me about hormon is when it can automatically changed every 28 days circle. One day im a cheery lady and the next day im a nasty old bitch. Perhaps, some of you will ask me what i meant by what i said earlier. Normally gals will understand my point straight away and guys....hmmm...it will a long journey understanding the whole point.

You see, when im having my period i feel really lazy, as in, i hate to move because movement sometimes can be very uncomfortable. With something dripping out from me, all gooey and messy, who would want to have fun?! I rather stay indoor because i dont want to go out and worry whether i'll get stain on my jeans and pants. Besides, i get really sluggish, like i feel so tired that i only want to sleep, curl under my blanket and just shut myself in my room. The tiredness im talking about is not just about physically tiredness but more on mental and emotional stress.

Most people wont understand why gals tend to be emotional during this time but i do. It is beyond our control. I eventually tend to hurt people who are closed to me during this time. Hurt their feelings that is! For instance, lately some guys frens became so bold with their suggestions. Not once but often they would look at me as someone who is easy and cheap. That was kinna hurt actually. All i want is for people especially guys to see me more than what i can physically offer. This scares me to death! So, i wanted to share this thought with someone i like, and i think he took it personally. Once i realized what i've said, i wished this earth split up and swallow me into the Middle Earth so that i can be 'frenly' with that ugly Smeogal/Gollum or whatever his is called. I was ashamed of what i said but my intention was good. I just wanted him to see things from my point of view but yeah...its difficult.

So, when i woke up this morning, i told myself that i ought to apologize and clear the air. How im gonna do it, im not sure but im certainly gonna do it even if i have to 'belanja' him 10 glasses of 'teh tarik kurang manis'. So, i hope he'll be ok and if he happens to read this, i just want him to know that i admit that i was a bitch and whether he likes it or not, this is me everytime im having my period. So, next time, i better hide further inside my cave and hibernate! Im truly sorry and I wish i can say "i wont do it again" but i know i will. But one thing im proud of myself is, i realized that this is one of my flaws and im learning to take control of it. I hope, as years pass...i'll be aware of what my body needs everytime a situation arise so that i wont hurt more feelings.

The one with.....Reading..Again

2008-01-26T12:48:00.000+08:00

Im back in KL for good. Yeah...finally. People asked me, am i happy with my decision, im gonna say yes because i feel so free. Like i finally have my life back. Like i dont have to worry about so many things but how to survive. After a week at home, i picked up novel that i oughta finished 7 months ago. I tried to read it at first but words seems to escape from my sight, meaningless and shouting for my consentration and focus. Funny how this thing happened.

Years ago, reading was a great passion. And books...books is my shopping list itself. Mum used to nag me for refusing to lunch or dinner and even breakfast because i was to absorb with these kraziness. My wonderful world of reading getting out of hand when i was in my university years, no nagging, no pestering bro or sis. Free world!! Assignments were always done on the dot so that i can read books i bought the day before. Gosh...and imagine this, i was staying with 5 more avid readers and there were we, reading and not even a word came out from our lips. The only sounds existed were the flipping pages and the slamming of the toilet door. I remember my best Widya, she has a weird practise, she often read some of the dialogue from the romantic novel out loud. Whoa....that was creepy!..Hehehehe.. My God, she was really into the characters.

That was then, now, my flatmate Sha, she is a reader too. At times, i can be jealous of her because she has the luxury of time to actually read everything whilst I, busy doing laundry and preparing my luggage for the next outstation trip. People often suggest me reading while in the bus or flight but forgodsake, i have a lot of sleep to catch up than reading. A fren of mine used to lend me his book..just in case i feel like reading but nope....never did dude!

Reading is in my blood i guess, no matter how busy i was and no matter how many books i bought thinking that i'll read them one day, i still want to read. Well, since novel is too undigestable at one time, i started to buy magazines. Goodness, i was addicted to some in fact. I can read those short, short articles at one go without feeling guilty of putting the whole thing down and continue reading tomorrow or whenever i can. You see, why reading is such a great passion to me is because of several reasons:

1) Reading is where i pick up my vocabulary. I remember reading my first Mills n Boons when i was 11 years and i did it secretly. Come on, people wud say, wasnt MB is a bit heavy for an 11yrs? Well, it was, if you are to point out the sexy scene in some of the chapters but hey..i will learn about it eventually. Only that, i might start earlier than any other gals. From MB i learned words like 'humanitarian" or even "french kiss" which i thought at first as French couple kissing. But heyyy.....that was some kind of meaningful information.

2) Reading brought me places i never been before. Reading Patricia Cornwell's for example brought me to Virginia. I learned about the morgue or even some local cemetary. Creepy huh? But it was truly an adventure. The details were so real that i feel i was in the plot myself. As if i was walking the ground these serial killers walked and I can almost smell the blood. Perghhh!!

3) Reading creates who I am today. Through reading i see things differently and i look at some issues from different angles by being on these people's shoes. My understanding of characters i read help me to value other people opinion upon something. I never dismissed a good suggestion simply because i hate the source. Nope, reading is character building itself. It built mine for sure.

Well, i guess, ive written enough, i probably should go back to my book. Anyway, its weekend and nobody works during the weekend. Its reading time and ive lotsa catching up to do.

The One with....A Good Friend of Mine

2008-01-12T19:23:00.000+08:00

Hi Babe,

Yeah, as promised, im gonna write something about you and i hope you like it. You see people, I'm gonna talk about my friend whom I met over Tagged last year. At first it was just a simple Hi and I remember he commented on my pic. A sweet comment it was and we immediately clicked.
I remember when i was in my recovery process after that nasty breakup, he was there, over the phone. He told me that i deserved someone much better and he was right. Funny thing about us is that..he is in KL but we never met. We exchanged photos though but I know him more that his look. I am grateful to him and wish him the best for being in this strange land. I want to get to know him better as friend and i want to take care of him.

The One with ...... The Puisi Cinta

2007-12-29T03:10:00.001+08:00

Ya Allah...
Bila hamba bertemu dengan seseorang
dan hamba jatuh cinta
Izinkanlah hamba menjadi yang terbaik baginya
dan dia yang terbaik bagi hamba

Ya Allah...
Bila Hamba menjadi pasangan seseorang
Izinkanlah diri hamba menjadi pelindung baginya
Izinkanlah diri hamba menjadi penyejuk hati baginya
Izinkanlah wajah hamba menjadi kesenangan baginya
Izinkanlah mata hamba menjadi keteduhan baginya
Izinkanlah pundak hamba menjadi tempat melepas keresahan baginya
Izinkanlah setiap perkataan hamba menjadi kesejukan baginya

Ya Allah...
Izinkanlah setiap pelukan menjadi jalan untuk lebih mendekat kepadaMu
Izinkanlah setiap sentuhan menjadi perekat cinta kepadaMu
Izinkanlah setiap pertemuan menjadikan kami bersyukur kepadaMuYa

Allah...
Izinkanlah hati yang sangat halus ini tidak pernah merasa tersakiti
Izinkanlah hati yang rentan ini tidak pernah merasa terkhianati

Ya Allah...
Jiwa kami ada dalam genggamanMu
maka izinkanlah jiwa kami selalu bertaut dalam cintaMu

Ya Allah...Permintaan terakhirku, semoga kami berdua selalu berada dalam perlindunganMu.

The One with......The Raya Qurban

2007-12-20T10:31:00.000+08:00

Raya was spent alone supposedly. But decided that it is too painful to celebrate it on my own. So, i decided to go to Seremban to be with Paerot and her family or maybe going shopping together. What strucked me as funny is when nobody asked me what i'll be doing for Raya. You see, we will be screaming and moaning when people ignore us but we are actually doing the same thing. Duhh. Whatever it is, its kinna sad because being alone somehow make us thinking of the unthinkable...

The One with ...the Plan

2007-12-15T01:35:00.000+08:00

I'm not much of a writer and thats the truth. I often see myself as a language teacher, you know, checking on grammar and sentence structure compare to those who can really write good and thought-provoking sentence. My language, i thought, is too academical or should i say, to straight forward and i'm afraid that it'll turn people bored. So, i turn to blog to ease my fingers and to let my mind flow. Today, my day was rather fulfilling as i was consentrating on making the test paper. You probably, go awe, as in What Test paper? Yeah, test paper as in a set of paper with a list of questionsn on them. It has been a while since i last came up with one and doing it again kinna make me happy and fully-occupied.
The test paper will mark my entry into the entrepreneurial world. Monday is the day of all days where my intelligence and strategies management shall be tested. And i hope i will do well. All i wanna do is to prove to those who closed their eyes that i can do things and my 134 IQ level is not just a number but a 10% representative of world population.

Over It - Daughtry

2007-12-12T13:23:00.000+08:00

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up then tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

The One with .....the Big L Syndrom...

2007-12-12T11:01:00.000+08:00

Its Wednesday today, aint it, and i'm still in KL trying to figure out what the hell am i doing. Well, maybe i shud practice what i've preached, .....stop complaining and thinking and start doing... Yeah, exactly. I should move my lazy butt outta here and do, do, do and be done with it. Yet, ive been thinking...should i be making this biggest step in my life? Moving to an unknown place..yikes.....macam nakpindah Pluto jer...but hey...Pluto is nothing nowadays...not even a planet duhhh...
Anyway, i started rambling on the unnessary things dah..Tapi sedih gak kan. Kenapa la jadi gini....?

The One with......the UNLUCKY day

2007-12-08T18:45:00.000+08:00

Empty, that is how i feel now. Last nite, tak boleh nak tido sebab fikir nak balik KL untuk apa. Selalu bila nakbalik KL, ada tujuan....rasa seronok...rasa excited and i can almost see wat i can do at home. Tapi sekarang, balik macam takda makna, Sha pun takda, hari ni ke Jakarta. And i have to stay sampai Selasa. Bosan jugak. Tapi bukan takat bosan, sedih dan kosong. Sepanjang perjalanan dari Ipoh tadi asyik terfikir apa nak buat, rasa mcm nak drive terus ker Seremban pun ada, tapi called si Paerot tak jawab pulak. Mau jugak sesat kat Seremban nanti.

Ntah, hari ni semua serba tak kena, tadi pagi semua yang di buat serba tak kena. Sedih!! Ive tried to be positive and so far it works....tunggu jer lah malam ni before tido...sure nangis lagi.Masa nak balik KL tadi, macam-macam jadi, ingat nak buang sampah dulu, and ntah camner boleh terkunci diri dari luar. dah lah phone semua kat dalam rumah. I was so pissed off with myself masa tu sebab camner boleh tertutup pintu. Nak call si Ogy pun, number dia tak ingat. Aleh-aleh mintak tolong pak guard. Nasib baik kata pakguard ada sorang locksmith datang nak betul kan pintu kat tingkat 3, apa lagi dia pun tolong la cari...akhir nya dapat gak masuk umah.

Dalam kesibukan nak buka pintu umah tu, first time jumpa owner umah sebelah. Hensem siot..tapi sombong. Ni yang rasa cam nak bagitau Ogy. Lagipun, umah sebelah tu pun bukan selalu ada org, hujung minggu jer ada. Ntah-ntah laki orang. Macam biasa la, bab-bab laki orang and tunang orang ni kinna seriau sikit. Takut and serik. Haiii...nasib badan.

The One with.......My Housemate

2007-12-07T21:31:00.001+08:00

My what?!! Yes my housemate. Her name is Shafina but i call her Sha. Yup...i told her that i might be moving down to Ipoh for good. At first, i feel rather guilty for leaving her behind because she has been a good mate. We've been through a lot...well...not really alot but we talked about everything and most of those that we cant talk to others. I find her comforting in her own way..

Ive been to many places with Sha: Perhentian, Malacca, oppss...that was it dear..... never mind, we'll do more outing after this and i hope to add Ipoh soon..hehehe. Anyway, back to Sha, she never complaints what i cooked for her and she is cool.

Ive learned so many things from her, and she thought me many things too, about life and decision. There is one time when i asked her whether i should go on with my crazy ideas and she said no because she didnt want me to make the same mistakes as she did.

Somehow, i envy Sha for several things. She has strong mental power, she tried to see things differently and dont go and judge easily. That is good Sha...

As a housemate and a friend, i wish to see her happy and never to stop smiling. She deserved to be treated like a queen for she treats other like an angel. So Sha, read this poem because i cant never say the right words because its too hard to find the exact one:

SOMEWHERE THE SUN IS SHINING

Somewhere the sun is shining,and the clouds are not in sight.

Somewhere someone's laughing,and talking about what might.

What might have been another year,for us to spend together.

What might have been another time,that I could cherish forever.

Somewhere two people laugh and joke,and carry on all day.

Talk about their past and future,in an extraordinary way.

They talk about the last few years,and how they made a bond.

They found it funny they both were different,but both especially fond.

Fond of each other everyday,so genuine and true.

A friend to tell of all your worries,if ever you were blue.

To trust with all my secrets,and keeping yours close to heart.

Knowing you will comfort me,and sharing all our art.

Somewhere the sun is shining,and we will meet again.

Become the friends we always were,and talk about what's been.

Although you're gone I know you're here,to help me through hard times.

Help me make the right decisions,when I don't see the signs.

Somewhere the sun is shining,and you will be in my heart.

For you were more like a sister to me,and we shall never part.

This is the time to let you know,how much I really cared.

I love you for you no matter what,and cherish the moments that we shared.

Dear fren, im gonna missed every single moment we've spent together, do take care and yes, please consider every meeting as our date.

Might be leaving for good!

2007-12-06T10:41:00.000+08:00

Ipoh has never been a place i wanted to go before. But after staying for 2months, i realized that it is not as what i thought it was. The driver still reckless, the neighbour still bossy, yet the lifestyle is rather monotonous. And that is what i like about it. I used to love the adrenalin rush whenever datelines were the cache. But now, i feel more alive , yeah yeah...after the adapting process with lotsa swearing and cursing, finally i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. When i was told that ive been offered a position in a clients office, i was dumbstrucked again. Wow!!
This is an opportunity for me to spread my wings. So, I've come up with a better life strategies, wanting to juggle between fixed income and earning some extras through the business that is yet to come.
Am i happy abt it? Im not sure, because as usual, the first step will definately be a tough one.

The One with....will i say goodbye?

2007-12-05T15:51:00.001+08:00

It has been exactly 23 days since i got the news that something beautiful has somehow ended. The saddest part about it, i didnt say proper goodbye. I was left with so many question marks and no clarification has been given to me.

People, it is not about him, but the past started flashing between my eyes. All those failures and mistakes, all those tears and torments...it was not easy to deal with but somehow i've managed to overcome my fears. I met lotsa people with lotsa different story. People met, people fall in love, people fight and people go seperate ways. What strucks me as funny is how sometimes people can be so lucky, meet and fall in love in just months and tadaaa......wedding bell starts to echo. It scares me sometimes knowing how short of time people make decision. Didn't they ever ask themselves that the one might not be the One? And how can such people gamble on something that is so continous. I cant do that! Or can i?

Whatever it is, im a girl with so many issues. I'm worried about how people will accept my deadly job, my wacky family, my weirdo friends and and most importantly, my crazy lifestyle. But hey, craziness is a guarantee that im normal. Normal in a sense that i've tried out almost everything life has to offer to know what is considered as crazy and what is not!

Again, what matter the most, new year resolution is intact and im going to proved it.

Dee Talking!

2007-11-21T00:39:00.000+08:00

I love green, not because green is the color of my bedroom. But Green is somehow a Peaceful color. It is a reflection of nature, a tranquility beyond anything. But, my blog is not about Green. It is about what i think of certain things that had happened in my life. Well, for those who do not really know me for who i am, this is an insight of who Dee really is. Dee's struggle, Dee's pain, Dee's smile and most of all Dee's passion towards what she loves the most, her strength and ability to cope with everything that comes in her way.

Well, enough said, i shall start by telling people of who i am. I am.....just Dee. A simple person living a very simple life and stands by simple principles. Life was a struggled few years back. My love life is really sucks and my work is pulling me deeper into the depth. Suffocated? Yeah..im one of those people who really breathing fire. But, i want to smile all the way no matter what people said and no matter what the situation is.

Many failed relationships taught me to be more independent in life. I learn about everything in a very hard way. Crying my heart out. At one point in time you thought you have met your perfect match, later on,he is either some lady's husband or fiance. Well, we cant never get what we have wished for. And life is far from perfect.

I wanted to learn everything that related to imperfectness but yeah, the more i learned the more i am hurt. But still the learning process is continuing, slapping me in the face until i can feel the numbness. Ok people, catch you guys later.